Now I Know 30 Things

I turn 30 today, and for the past few months I’ve been feeling really anxious about it. I get caught in this spiral of feeling like because of mental health reasons, chronic illness, and autism, I’ve wasted my twenties. Lately though, I’m more in the mindset that I’m just a late bloomer. I’ve got a lot of life left in me, and I plan to do great things with it! But the most important part of this whole thing is, because I’m 30, I now know 30 things. And if you don’t mind, I’d like to share them with you.

  1. Trapping bugs under a cup instead of killing them is good. But if you’re not going to take them outside right away, for the love of God, tape the cup down. They can escape.
  2. Doing the right thing sometimes doesn’t feel like the right thing. That doesn’t mean that you should stop.
  3. Hydrogen Peroxide can get dried blood out of almost anything. Do with that what you may. Not murder.
  4. Whatever amount of garlic a recipe calls for, double it.
  5. Just because an emotion you’re feeling is negative, doesn’t mean that it’s bad.
  6. Always keep a snow shovel in the trunk of your car, in case there’s a freak storm and you need to dig yourself out.
  7. The key to never having to talk to telemarketers is googling any number that you don’t recognize, and if it’s not important, ignoring it.
  8. Don’t meow back at cats, it just encourages them.
  9. If you like something about someone, be it their hair or their shoes or their sense of humor, tell them. It’s good for both of your souls.
  10. Self care is whatever makes you feel calm and safe, so don’t let anyone tell you how to care for yourself.
  11. The key to not being embarrassed is realizing that 97% of the time, people are too busy thinking about themselves to notice you.
  12. Most DIY projects are expensive. If your goal is to have fun and get messy, awesome, go for it! But if you’re trying to save money, do the math first.
  13. You can write on mirrors with dry erase markers, which is way more convenient than writing notes on your hand. Also, there’s less risk of accidentally washing away important information.
  14. If you have weird medical symptoms, Google with care. The internet is almost definitely lying to you. You do not have cancer.
  15. Superglue is a necessary evil, and it is inevitable that at some point, you will glue your fingers together. Luckily acetone, which is found in most nail polish removers, will un-stick them quickly.
  16. Finding used books that are written in is like finding treasure. Seeing other peoples’ notes, the parts they loved, the parts that confused them, the parts they disagreed with- it’s like reading through someone else’s eyes.
  17. If someone criticizes you in a non-constructive way, meaning they aren’t giving you realistic advice on how to improve, that’s not criticism, it’s an attack. Feel free to fart in their general direction. Or just ignore them, I guess, that works too.
  18. If someone is tailgating you, as long as you’re going the speed limit, there’s no point in speeding up. It won’t help, and you’ll be the one pulled over for speeding, not them.
  19. Don’t talk down to kids, they’re smart little cookies, and they understand more than you think. Also they’ll rule over us all in about 40 years.
  20. If you’re looking for a masculine haircut, go to a barber instead of a hairdresser. They’ll get the lines right, plus it’s way cheaper.
  21. The snooze button is not your friend. It’s too easy to forget how many times you’ve hit it, plus, you’re not getting any quality sleep between alarms.
  22. Chopping chile peppers is a threat to your mucus membranes. Wash your hands immediately and always remember that, in an emergency, milk works better than water.
  23. You can get heatstroke without a sunburn, especially if you are 8 and at Disney World. Signs and symptoms include dizziness, headache, and vomiting, and if you suddenly stop sweating, it’s time to find some help.
  24. Because humanity is largely social, people generally want to help each other. This means you’ll have much better luck getting someone to do something if you phrase it as needing help, instead of as a demand.
  25. Most Dollar Stores sell the same candy you’d get at the movie theatre for a dollar. You’re welcome.
  26. There are other pronouns besides He and She. Gender non-conforming people also use pronouns like They, Ey, Zir. You’d think with all these options I’d have less trouble picking one…
  27. When you start a new medication, always check if it interacts with anything else you’re taking or eating or drinking, because doctors are notoriously bad about catching uncommon interactions.
  28. We all over-salt recipes sometimes, whether our hands slipped, or we got distracted by the dog outside our window and forgot that we’d already added it. Luckily, anything liquidy can be saved by sticking a raw potato in there for about 10 minutes.
  29. Turning your computer off and on again isn’t always the right answer. Sometimes getting another person close enough so your computer knows you’ll look incompetent if starts working again is just as good.
  30. You’re not wasting your life. You’re not wasting your life. You’re not wasting your life.

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