Until Then, I Flap

Today my anxiety is coming out through my head

It bops and sways without even asking my permission first

If it had asked, I would have replied ‘no way José’ not because its name is José, but because when I’m anxious I speak solely in phrases

Today my anxiety is coming out through my hands

They touch and feel everything even if it is wet or or sticky

Sometimes touching things feels good, and sometimes it feels bad, but my anxiety doesn’t notice the difference.

Today my anxiety is coming out through my feet

They tap and skip and don’t care where they bring me

I wish for stillness, but instead I pace my living room until my soles ache and even then I can’t stop

Today my anxiety is overlapping with my autism

One at time is hard enough, but today I have both

I’m tired of stimming, of echolalia, and of obsession, but today my brain doesn’t care

Today I am tired, but I am practicing self care so that tomorrow will be better

Until then, I flap

6 Word Stories pt. 24

Hello Friends! I’m here to apologize ahead of time for next week’s 6 word content. I’m having (minor) surgery on Tuesday, and that’s likely will be all I want to talk about.

This week however! I’ve been wobbling between being very productive, and very anxious about not being productive. And being anxious about what my productivity will bring. So basically, I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned it I don’t.  Let’s just say I’m contemplating big changes, and all of the options freak me out.

  • Is ‘life goes on’ a threat?
  • Changing my routine is so unnerving.
  • Hats with ears make people smile!
  • I disguise my need for help.
  • I hate peeing every 20 minutes
  • No matter what happens I panic
  • Good days are dog petting days

I think some of these 6 word stories are kind of downers, so I’m here to let you know that a therapy dog came by the infusion center this week and I got in lots of pets- and he licked my nose! So my week wasn’t all bad.

Until next week!

 

6 Word Stories pt.23

This week is the first week of full time infusions, and I’m love it! After two liters of fluids, I come out feeling like a superhero. Granted, a superhero who needs a nap, but still, my ability to tolerate standing and walking is greatly improved. I know once I start my POTS exercise protocol I won’t feel as awesome any more, but I’m enjoying it while it lasts. I’m back up to my full dose of anti-anxiety meds, but it hasn’t been long enough to take full effect, so I’m still a bit of a nervous rest. It should get better. I need it to get better. On the bright side, St. Louis has been, in true St. Louis fashion, unseasonably warn, and I’ve gotten to spend some time outside. It’s been great after those two weeks of -18 wind chills!

  • How did I live without a Kindle.
  • Celebrating Valentines Day early with sushi!
  • How did I get lost again?
  • Don’t trust me to make decisions.
  • Why am I even doing this?
  • I love mail addressed to me!
  • Obsessed with a new board game.

Next week brings a performance at my church’s annual LGBTQ+ Feel The Love Coffee House. My wife and I are performing Androgynous, by The Replacements! Are you guys doing anything interesting this week?

6 Word Stories pt.22

This week has been wracked with anxiety, and I’m trying to weather the storm. It’s made writing more difficult, as I’ve lost every bit of confidence that I have, so even if I can start something, I find myself deleting it immediately because to me, it all reads like crap. I’m trying to change up my strategy a bit, writing more from that heart, about experiences I’m having as they come. We’ll see how that goes. Other news is that I had my first infusion using my port. The whole thing went pear shaped and I ended up having a meltdown at the infusion center, but I’m hoping things will get easier. On the bright side, my stitches have healed, and the port has stopped hurting, although it does itch like crazy. I’m thinking that will go away soon too.

 

  • Why am I in the kitchen?
  • Knit purl, knit purl, soothing stitches.
  • Important Announcement: New Special Interest Acquired!
  • Too many books- not a problem.
  • Dear strangers: please don’t touch me.
  • I’ve decided that bras aren’t necessary.
  • Can’t handle this friendship falling apart.

Hope everyone is having a good week, and I hope it’s as warm wherever you are as it is here!

Meds and Me

Alright guys, it’s confession time.

I haven’t written anything in weeks.

Thank goodness for me, I had a bit of a backlog, but it was driving me crazy trying to figure out what was causing my “writer’s block”.

At first I figured everyone gets a little burned out, and I didn’t worry, but as the days and weeks went on, I started getting really anxious that I’d lost my writing chops.

That anxiety should have clued me in. But even though I’ve had anxiety since I was a tiny human (my family jokes that I started stress biting my nails the day my little sister came home from the hospital), I didn’t recognize it this time.

And that should be a good thing! It proves that I’m so well medicated, that I’m not used to being an anxious wreck anymore.

Once I realized that, I knew what happen. My psychiatrist wanted to try decreasing one of my anxiety meds, and since I do up pills two weeks at a time (it makes sense when you take 22 pills a day), I didn’t correlate the med decrease with the crippling anxiety I’ve been feeling.

I’ve been anxious about writing. About going back to school and deciding on a career. I worry that my wife will die. I worry that I’m wasting my life. I’m worried about getting old. I’m worried about dying. And about not dying. Sigh.

So clearly, the medication is going back up where it was. Depending on how things go, I may be quiet for a little while. I figure blogs are for honesty, so here I am.