“Do you want guac with that?”
Oh how I wish I could
I have sweet memories of the
Creamy richness of avocados
The contrast of hot chiles
Of sharp lime
And the coolness of guacamole
Mexican food has not been the same
Since adulthood came
And the hives arrived
Oh how I want guac with that
But I am allergic to avocados
Sometimes I let things simmer instead of dealing with them.
It can be tempting to think that this a good decision.
My brain has an anxiety side, an eating disorder side, an autism side.
Mostly these sides know that processing things is the right thing to do.
Every once and a while though they forget that simmering is not the same as being ok.
Rolling boils were once simmers, and I need to remind myself of that more often.
When I saw Identity I thought
Well that’s perfect
Identity is all I write about.
But I thought and I thought and I found
I dug deeper and deeper
Through the autism
Past the eating disorder
Quietly skirting the edges of trauma
Then I swam through the murk of Lake Non-Binary
I can spit out a
Thousand words on fragments of myself
But they won’t fit together
And I can’t get rid of any of them because they’re
Turns out too many somethings can sometimes look like
For now I am content with being
able to identify my fragments
And know that as long as I have them
My identity will never be
This is Disobeying
To disobey is to go against an agreed-upon rule and
Social rules make up most of our lives
So when I don’t make eye contact with you when we talk
This is disobeying.
Social rules are so deeply ingrained in society that
Most people aren’t even conscious of them
So when I have to ask what to do in a social situation
This is disobeying
It is a radical idea to suggest that
There is more than one way to communicate
So when my body language is made of up of stims
This is disobeying
To disobey is to challenge people’s perspectives
To disobey is to feel uncomfortable but keep going
To disobey is to celebrate your experiences
To disobey is to be okay with who you are