I have a neurological disorder called Dysautonomia, specifically a type called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). Dysautonomia means Autonomic Nervous System Dysfunction, and POTS means that when I go from sitting to standing, my heart rate jumps, causing me to become dizzy, and eventually faint. I developed Dysautonomia in my early 20’s, and it’s had a serious impact on my life
A Collection of Faint Haiku’s
My feet on the floor
Heart pounds, head spins. Dizziness.
Be careful not to fall
Heart rate rises, sit down now
No one likes to faint
How to stop a flair?
Compression socks and saline
Tons of sodium
Help, I’m going down
A grey out, black out, pass out
I’m on the floor now
The room starts to spin
Not enough blood in my brain
Profound nerve damage
Sometimes I let things simmer instead of dealing with them.
It can be tempting to think that this a good decision.
My brain has an anxiety side, an eating disorder side, an autism side.
Mostly these sides know that processing things is the right thing to do.
Every once and a while though they forget that simmering is not the same as being ok.
Rolling boils were once simmers, and I need to remind myself of that more often.
When I saw Identity I thought
Well that’s perfect
Identity is all I write about.
But I thought and I thought and I found
I dug deeper and deeper
Through the autism
Past the eating disorder
Quietly skirting the edges of trauma
Then I swam through the murk of Lake Non-Binary
I can spit out a
Thousand words on fragments of myself
But they won’t fit together
And I can’t get rid of any of them because they’re
Turns out too many somethings can sometimes look like
For now I am content with being
able to identify my fragments
And know that as long as I have them
My identity will never be