Top Surgery Recovery: A Month in Pictures

My god does it feel like forever since I’ve been here. It hasn’t really though, it’s been almost exactly a month, and do you know how I know that? It’s been 4 weeks since my surgery!

Now between the recovery and the pain meds and the inevitable POTS flare, blogging has been low on my priories list. I have however, been taking a lot of pictures.

*warning* Some of these are of my bandages and incisions, so if you’re squeamish or avoid NSFW stuff, I’d stop here.

Are we all ok from here out? Excellent! Here we go!

This is 24 hours after my surgery. The bundles on my grafts stayed on for another 6 days!

We have a tradition that I get a new stuffed animal after a surgery. This is Shel the Unicorn, who is very soft, with a super stimmy horn!

Not to be outdone by Shel, Angel checked in on me whenever he was allowed. The cats had to live in our office for a few weeks, so they wouldn’t accidently disturb my grafts or my incisions. 

You may not be able to tell from my face, but I so excited because my drains are coming out- and that means that for the first time in 9 days, I can shower!

Here I am discovering one of the best parts of Top Surgery: being able to look down and see my feet without boobs in the way!

After this type of surgery, you have to wear a surgical compression garment, which are sensory hell (especially knowing now that they game me the wrong size!). This picture was taken when I was finally able to wear an athletic compression shirt instead, and what a relief it was!

Chronic illness doesn’t care about gender or surgery, so this is my modified Physical Therapy  set up, so hopefully my POTS will continue to improve!

I hate to end on a depressing note, but reality is what it is. One of my grafts failed, and that is both painful and upsetting. The healing is slow, and we won’t know what it will look like until it’s totally done.

That was quite a ride, eh? And it’s still going.

My sad, rejected graft still has a lot of healing to do. I’ll also have to decide how I want to deal with it if the damage is super obvious.

I also start classes next week, I’m finally finishing my Bachelor’s! It’s been 12 years since I’ve been on a campus or in a classroom, so this should be interesting.

Look forward to ‘Autistic Adult Student’ posts coming soon to a blog near you!

10 of my Favorite Things

So here’s the deal, my friends, I can’t lift more than a coffee cup, I haven’t showered in a week, and I’m still kind of high on painkillers.

So. I’m going to cheat just a bit and make this List Wednesday about some of my recent favorite things. I hope you’ll understand, and possibly even find a new favorite things

1. Chocolate Bundt Cake: It can be hard sometimes to find a recipe that converts well to gluten free, but you’d never guess that this cake wasn’t written that way. We use Cup4Cup gluten free flour blend, and it comes out moist and fluffy and everything you’d ever want in a Bundt cake!

2. Shel the Unicorn: I’ve had a few surgeries over the years, and they all have two things in common: afterwards I get pancakes and a stuffed animal. Shel the Unicorn (and her relative Dax the Sloth) come from the Manhattan Toy Company, and are about the softest stuffies I’ve ever had. There is nothing better than having a new friend to snuggle after you have an operation.

3. 3DS Kingdom Hearts: The original Kingdom Hearts for ps2 was my first RPG, and it holds a very special place in my heard. About 15 years after Kingdoms Hearts came out, we’re finally going to get Kingdom Hearts 3. It’s been one hell of a wait. But while we’re waiting, Nintendo put out a new 3DS version that I’m having so much fun with. New worlds and old favorite characters are making the wait much more bearable.

4. Overdrive App: I have been a library addict since I could read, and the only thing that makes free books and other media better is not having to go to the library at all! The Overdrive App lets you check out eBooks and audiobooks out from your local library without ever leaving the house. Plus they sync with kindles, tablets and smart phones so you can read and listen wherever you want!

5. The Golden Compass Audiobook: The His Dark Materials trilogy has been one of my favorites since childhood, and oftentimes the problems with loving a book so much is that the audiobook is never as good as it is in your head. This one is an exception. The author, Phillip Pullman is the narrator, and it has a full cast that sound very close to what I expected. We listened to this on the way to and from Kansas City and it was perfect road trip material!

6. Simple Gel Cream: I thought when I made it to adulthood without acne, I was in the clear. That was a lie. Here I am at 30, with my face bleeding every time I touch it. Washing my face is sensory hell, as is lotion, but I’ve been trying to find things that I can tolerate, and this moisturizer is it. It isn’t a weird texture, it sinks in quickly, and there’s minimal smell. If only all skin care was this easy.

7. Queer Eye on Netflix: Whenever I watch an episode of Queer Eye, by the end I’ll inevitably end up with dust in my eye, because I’m definitely not crying. I’m old enough that I watched the original Queer Eye in high school, but this reboot is miles ahead of it. Yes, there’s still a wardrobe changes and new recipes and a big reveal, but the reboot takes more of a holistic approach, helping the Guy live as his best self. The original focused on Straight Guys, but the new seasons so far have has a woman, a gay guy, and even a trans guy!

8. Hardback Game App: I think I may have mentioned my love of board games here before, and the only thing better than board games is board games on the go. A lot of board game producers are starting to make app versions, which is great, because they’re way cheaper and much more portable, and let you play online or against someone sitting next to you. Hardback is like Scrabble on steroids, and for less than 5 bucks, it’s my favorite new game.

9. Speed cube: I learned how to solve a Rubik’s Cube almost 10 years ago, and since then have been using it as me “fun facts about me” fact. It also makes a great stim toy. I used to buy Rubik’s brand cubes and take them apart and sand them down, and then lube them up with silicone, in order to make them faster and smoother. But no more! Paying the extra couple of bucks for a speed cube makes so much difference, I can’t stop playing with it, and it glides like butter.

10. Angel: My cats have had to live in the office while I’ve been recovering, but Angel is gentle enough that he’s een allowed supervised visits. It’s lifted my spirits to have him snuggle up against me and purr like a motor.

So. These are a few of my favorite things. As always, I’d love to hear about yours- it’ll give me something to check out while I’m couch-bound!

5 Reasons Why My Gender is Complicated

Ladies, gentlemen, and all genders in between: I have glorious news!

After years of dysphoria, lots of therapy, and jumping through insurances’ hoops, I have been approved!

For what, you ask? For surgery- Top Surgery! Finally, twenty years after developing this painful and unwieldy chest that never felt like it was mine, as of yesterday (for you, I’m writing this on Sunday- Greetings, from the past!) will be rid of them. Good bye boobs, and good riddance.

After years of stressing about what my gender is, or should be, I have come to the realization that gender is complicated, and mine (and yours!) will never be the same as anyone else’s.

So I give to you some of the reasons why gender is complicated.

1. Gender is a social construct: So gender seems like a pretty straightforward thing, right? From a young age, we’re told that girls wear pink and play with dolls, and boys wear blue and earn $0.18 more per dollar. But for me, it’s not that easy. Honestly, I didn’t even think about it until puberty, when everyone suddenly had opinions about what I should be like. I was a girl, because people said I was-that’s it. Each society gets to define what gender is, and while most western societies only have two: Boy and Girl, other societies have more. I’m not particularly interested in stressing about gender, I am me, and it doesn’t matter what my body looks like. I was Nonbinary with boobs, and I am now without them. I’m Meesh, and I’m just trying to make my body fit my spirit.

2. There’s a lot of gender vocab: Trans, cis, nonbinary, demi boy, demi girl, gender fluid, genderqueer, neutrois. These are just some of the language used to talk about gender these days, and it’s great! Because it’s so important to have an identity that fits you. It can make things complicated, because new terms are being developed, and a lot of them aren’t standardized. For example, nonbinary is a very broad term- it’s definition means that it includes anything outside of the gender binary, aka, anything that isn’t male or female. In fact, if you look at all the terms that come after it, they all fall under the nonbinary umbrella. That means that people who are nonbinary can identity incredibly differently. Nothing wrong with that, just another complication.

3. Body dysmorphia vs gender dysphoria: I come from an Eating Disorder background, where body dysmorphia runs rampant. Most people with eating disorders experience this to some degree- when they look in the mirror, they can’t see their body for how it is. They see fat even when they’re underweight. This phenomenon is surprisingly similar to gender dysphoria. When I look in the mirror and see breasts and feminine curves, I feel anxious and detached. Both body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria make me hate my body, and it can be hard to tell which one is causing my distress. Do I had my curves because they make me feel fat, or because they make me look like a girl? Being able to tell the difference is vital for my mental health, but trying to figure out which is which is complicated.

4. Them/them/theirs: Oh pronouns. How can something that seems so simple get so complicated so fast? Traditionally, the English language only has two pronouns: she and he. And when the majority of people only identified as one of two genders, the pronouns worked fine. But now that we know that there are many genders, he and she just aren’t going to cut it. But what will the new pronouns be? Can we just make shit up? The answer is yes, we can totally make shit up, which is how we got pronouns like xe, sie, and zir. The other option is to borrow an already existing pronoun, in this case, they. I use they/them/their pronouns, mostly because they’re easy to explain, not because I’m drawn to them, or because they fit me perfectly. The grammar snob in my hates my pronouns, it screams that you can’t hit a plural pronoun for a singular person. I agree, but since I can’t stand being called ‘she’, ‘they’ will have to suffice for now.

5. Neither here nor there: Once upon a time, there were only two gender identities, Cis, and Trans. You either identified with the gender that was assigned to you at birth (Cisgender), or you didn’t (Transgender). In recent years, we’ve begun to understand that there is a lot more to gender than the trans/cis binary. That there are genders that exist in between them, or in some cases, completely outside of them. This is a fantastic development for people like me, who thought that even though they felt uncomfortable in their bodies, that they must be Cis, because the Trans label just didn’t fit. As fantastic as this is, it can leave NBs like me in a crappy place- it’s easy to feel like we don’t belong anywhere. Many people, myself included, want to feel like there are other people like us, who share our experiences, and can be a resource to us. Actually, that’s a lot like the Autism community too, isn’t it? I guess most minority groups have a lot in common. Feeling like I don’t belong in Trans spaces, or in Cis spaces, can be really lonely. I’m lucky to have 2 other NB people in my life, but even so, sometimes I just want slide easily into a clearly marked box.

So here we are! You, reading on your screen, and me, propped up on the couch and dozing on painkillers. It’s a little weird to be putting this together before hand (although here in the past, I am still on the couch).

I may not be able to respond for a week or two, but I’ll still ask the question. Is there anything about you that is Complicated? How do you handle it?

If you read this far down, send some virtual good vibes my way!